Update?

Current Weight: 177-179ish....still

I'm honestly a bit surprised that I'm still in this weight bracket...mainly 'cause my birthday weekend was last weekend and I totally splurged food-wise. I did pop back up to around 181 the other day for it, but I've since dropped back down.

It's been kind of hard to get to the gym this semester. I have afternoon classes that end around 4 and by the time I get home, I'm so tired. I'll perk back up around 6, but from 4 until then, I feel so very very bushed. It sucks. I've tried snacking in the afternoon; maybe it's a blood-sugar related? I'm not sure if that's helped or not. Also, since I don't have a Yellow parking pass, I can't park on campus until after 5. I don't want to take the bus to the gym, get all sweaty, then have to ride next to someone on the way back to my place/car. It's not that I get stinky after the gym (I honestly don't), but I know I wouldn't really want to sit next to someone who looks sweaty-- even if it's just localized to the face region/hairline. It's pretty cold here at the moment, so I put on a jacket when I leave...so it's not like they'd see the sweat anywhere else. On some of the week days, I don't have class until after 2, which would be perfect times to go to the gym, get back to my place, shower, then go to class...if it weren't for the can't-park-on-campus bit.

So, either I pay to park at a meter (lame), I ride the bus there (also lame), or I wait until after 5 to park there for free...by which point I'm too tired to want to do it. Sometimes I go later in the evening which is nice, but then I've found that it's hard to get to sleep afterwards and I end up staying up until well after 11pm before I'll start to feel tired. Seriously? Sucks, man, it sucks.

I have a nice walk that I take around the massive block I live on, (it's like 4 miles all the way around), but it's been pretty chilly or downright cold lately--go figure, it's winter-- and that's been more than a small bit of a deterrent. I can tolerate walking in low-40s, but anything below 37 or so and I get uncomfortable. Walking in the cold like that eventually starts making my legs get numb then that weird muscle itch thing starts. I know I'm not the only person to feel this way, but it's still annoying and probably makes me look like a total spaz when I have to stop to rub my thighs while walking in the cold. I wouldn't mind doing it so much if my walk path thing wasn't right off super major streets in town. The whole way around, it's right off of four main thorough-fairs that have pretty constant streams of traffic.

One of my friends in my Japanese classes would like to start going to swim again this semester. I would love to go, but I don't know the hours yet, and I'd rather not have to lug all my make-the-water-go-away tools to the gym so my hair won't freeze when I leave if it's super cold. Thankfully, the temperatures are getting more tolerable. So maybe after Spring Break, we'll be able to start going again. For now, I think I'll stick to the gym and the elliptical. ^^

It's a slow process at the moment, but I'm getting there!

よし！

ps to non-Japanese speakers, the above little curvy symbols read "Yosh!" and pretty much means "Alright!" or an enthusiastic "Let's do it!" type of thing. I say it sometimes; can't help it.

Current Weight: 177-179

I've made some head-way. I will post again soon, but I'm kind of distracted at the moment.

Current Weight: 181-182ish

I've been a little slow on the weight thing recently. Been stressed out because of class, among other things.

Still trekking along though. And I rediscovered my love of swimming. I don't look so flabby and yuck that I'm too uncomfortable in a one-piece. It's magical how clothing changes how I feel...and my swimsuit is one of those things. Except for the "size", but that again delves into my hatred of how women's anythings are sized. This suit is an example. You know what size it is? 18!

Wow, I feel gross just thinking about that. But, you see, I'm not an 18 and never have been. And, in reality, it's a little big on me, but the 16 was too tight. It's all about the mind tricks I mentioned last time.

In reality, I should be a size 12 suit, maybe, if the sizes were standard. But they're not. So, screw you, Speedo, for making me feel bad about myself when I bought your suit at Dick's.

...

Hilarity.

Current Weight: 184ish

I've been not here, obviously. I would go into it in more detail, but it's actually pretty boring stuff, I'd say. And really, most blogs are about boring stuff, but that's for another day.

When I was in Japan last year, my lack of a reliable (free) internet connect really stymied my ability to record what was going on. And then, Blogger's picture organizing for a post was just really lackluster and generally poor, which made me less likely to try to use it. I do apologize.
To who, I am unsure, as I'm fairly certain that no one reads this.

I have no problem with this fact. ^^

With the new school year starting today, I'm hoping to put this blog and its original purpose back to use, unless some unforeseen things keep me from it.

About the weight-issue thing: Hmn...how do I feel about gaining most of it back? I'm obviously unhappy about it, but there were things at play that I had little control over, which I've reconciled. The only plus side is that I know how long it took me to lose what I lost before, so I'm not too bummed. At least, not in a super tangible way, anyway. Sure, I'd love to look good in a swim suit sometime, and I'll get there. But there's no point dwelling on what isn't yet. All that that does is depress, and being down about it won't help at all.

I just got back from a trip to Florida. It was a nice trip. I got to hang out with some friends of mine and made some new ones. I also ate a ton of seafood, but didn't gain any weight, really. I think at most I gained a pound. And, somehow, after all that, I'm now able to fit into a size smaller than I used to. At least, some of them. I hate women's sizes in America. Size 10? What is that? I used to be a size 10. I'm just now able to fit into a size 12 again. But there are some of my size "12"s that feel more like a 10 at other places. It's obvious the dimensions for these sizes aren't set in stone. And this nearly fluid ability to adjust sizes is just messed up. It's a mind trick-- and a mean one at that.

You can say all you want that the cut and fabric factor in, but in reality, the sizes are different depending on what store you're in. I hate this so much it makes my head hurt if I bother to consider it for more than a few moments. Am I joking? I'm not entirely sure at this point.

All I know is that I can fit into at least a few of my size 12 pants now, and that has me esctatic. Especially since they're the really good looking ones. Also, winter is coming soon, and most of my nice winter pants are size 12ish, so it's good that I'll look good in them. At the very least, I won't be uncomfortable in them.

This might not work, but I hope it does

Photo Dump Number 2

The update will be at a later date. But since my camera is almost full, I'm going to load pictures now. This will be huge, so I apologize in advance. These are photos of Hiratsuka, planting rice, a ramen shop close to the bus stop, an Okonomiyaki place, and other things. I may offer some commentary...but I denno yet.

A quick update

So, the beginning of the photo dumps have begun. Yesterday I had enough time to post a few before I had to catch the bus from campus to the guest house. And as such, I didn't really provide an even remotely detailed update of what I've been up to, which is what I had also wanted to do.

Sadly, I wasn't paying attention and have let my free time dwindle while I read Penny Arcade and other such pointless things, instead of updating like I wished to. Having just remembered that I should update, I find that I probably don't have enough time to do what I'd like.

ANYWAY. I'm rambling.

So...

How's it like here? What have I been doing? etc etc? I don't know where to begin. I'd rather just respond to questions posed by people I know than just sit here and type on and on with no real direction.

I guess, to start, you should know that, for the most part, Japan is just as beautiful as all the photos claim. They're not lying about that. Sure, cities are cities and as such, there are some unusually ugly buildings taking up space, but for the most part, it's amazingly beautiful.

On the bus from the airport, through the drizzle and the gloom, I couldn't help but feel the urban sprawl as less of a planned endeavor and more like a fluid organism filling up crevices and flowing down the hills: like some kind of glacier or river slowly changing its path and flow overtime.

The second image that came to mind was that of a toddler stacking his toys, somtimes precariously. At times, the buildings seem haphazardly placed. Clustered, cluttered, but not entirely chaotic. I feel exploring the close spaces created by such placement would be an unending adventure.

By the time we reached Hiratsuka, it was dark and I was starving and tired. Those were my first thoughts upon arriving here. Since then, tons of things have happened and I really don't know where to go from here with my virtual pen hesitant to continue.

I think I'll update again soon. Tomorrow we go into Tokyo again; this time for Yasukuni Shrine and other things. I'm determined to get a better video of Shibuya. And I'll upload to YouTube the other short videos I took. I have over 100 shots so far...so loading them is going to be a nightmare.

Anyway. I'm out for now.

Photo Dump and possibly an update, if time allows

These first ones were taken in the bus on the way to Hiratsuka. It was obviously a miserably rainy when we arrived.

Blurry! Score.

Shots of the room: Above and following

Below are shots of the shower facilities, followed by pictures of just a few of the things in the park on which the Guest House sits.

I apparently don't have enough time for that update, but enjoy the photos until I can.

Japanland and a revised resolution

So, a lot has happened lately: the semester ended and summer break began.

Also, and I didn't blog about this (or much of anything I realize), I got accepted into KU's summer study abroad program! That means that on the 2nd of June, I leave for Japan and I won't be back until the 9th of July.

5 weeks! I'm fairly excited.

Though, as anyone who has been reading this (ha! that's a funny thought) would know, I was hoping to be roughly 30-some-pounds lighter by now. But thanks to things previously recorded, I'm not. What is my weight? Not telling. It's not above what is used to be, but it's not far enough below it for me to be even remotely happy. SIGH. Well, if I don't look super awesome for my first trip there, at least I'll be smokin' by the time I do the JET later on.

So...I'm hoping that my trip will be beneficial to my weightloss. I think it will be...and I'll use that momentum to propel me when I get back (after I recuperate). My new goal is to lose the weight by mid September or early October. And I'm not going to let anything stop me this time. I'm getting too irritated by how things are at the moment.

Anyway. Change of topic.

While I'm in Japan, I think I'll update this and it'll be a nice place to store some pictures. It will be easier to make one massive post periodically than to send dozens of emails every few days. Of course, I'll be sending a few emails anyway, even if I do post here, but I think it'd be easier to do this than the other. Also, I have a terrible memory, and once you pair that with occasional sloth, you get a girl who wouldn't remember to whom or when she'd sent emails. And, I hate repeating myself.

So, it's settled. Washoku Lean is shortly going to be more about Japan than weight. Yipee!

Hmn...I know I'm typing a bit scatterbrained today, and I'm not sure why, but roll with it.

I think my tone above doesn't adequately express my excitement. I am super excited about this trip, though I must say that I'm probably not showing it as much as I could. I tend not to get super excited outwardly, unless whatever I'm excited about is already happening and there's nothing that can stop it from happening. I'll get excited then. But I won't show it before that point. I know this comes from things falling through and I know this can't realistically fall through, but I'm ever hesitant to get my hopes up. I've been wanting to go to Japan forEVER (the reasons why are another story entirely), so this is a huge event for me.

Of course, it was an event that I wanted to be hot for, but alas. I'll have my day!

And now I think I've run out of stuff to talk about for the time being. So...yeah.

I'm out.

Pancake Tease

Remember my promise of pancake pictures? Well, apparently I'm a wanton liar.

In all reality, I just haven't made them since my boyfriend left. (side-note: he came to visit me a week or so ago, stayed for a week, then flew back to Californicationland). I made them for us while he was here, but forgot to take pictures. But, take my word for it: they're delicious.

Current weight? Ha ha no. Not even gonna talk about that. But I did go the gym today and, if the LifeFitness elliptical is to be trusted, I burned 420 calories in 45 minutes. Usually I burn around 460 in 45, according to the other elliptical I use more often. This one, though, had the arm-mover things, so I used them a lot more and it was unexpectedly tiring. In a good way, though.

A minor Rant:
While on the subject of exercise equipment, I have to say that I'm apparently incapable of effectively using the heart rate sensors on elliptical machines. No matter how I hold on to them, they always fail to register a possible heart rate. Most times, it reads that my heart rate is somewhere between 62 and 89. I'm entirely serious here. It's utterly ridiculous. I KNOW my heart rate is more elevated than that. And yet only once in awhile will it get it right.

And now for a more involved Rant:
Wrigley's has a relatively new commercial out. You might have seen it. The commercial basically claims that gum is a snack. I'm sorry, but it's not. And that commercial just makes me want to punch someone in the face-- namely the people who thought it was a good idea.
I realize that gum can help curb appetite...but it's not a snack. A snack is like fruit or a snack bag of popcorn. Not gum. Not ever gum.

Hmn...my original anger about that has apparently subsided because I was sure I could squeeze out enough hate to fill a page. Then again, it has been at least four hours since I saw that commercial last. BLEH. I HATE THAT COMMERCIAL.
There. That was a little more satisfying. And I even got the accompanying visual of my own head exploding.

Ah, balance in the universe is restored.

Stumbling Block

Actually, it's less of a stumble and more of a catastrophic failure. In my mind I kind of have this mental image of what a stumbling block of this proportion might be. And it starts out innocent enough. He trips over an uneven crack on the concrete and stumbles. But, alas! it's a very inconvenient stumble, for there is a set of stairs no more than three feet away! And, as these things go (often from bad to worse), this particular set of stairs is particularly long-- and steep.

You get the idea. Though it's amusing to imagine this occurring to a figmentary member of your imaginationland, it's not so cool when it's applied to you or my weight, as this example is meant to illustrate.

What happened? you might inquire. Well, rest assured, I will divulge the necessary information.

If you've been keeping up with life in the US, you'll know that this year was like crazy flu season. And just about a week after my last post, I did not get the flu. I got something else that was almost as bad. To date, I've never gotten "the flu". But when everyone else is being inflicted with the death bug, I tend to get a sinus infection from hell. And that's sorta what happened this time around.

I honestly don't remember my exact symptoms. Though I know it required a Vick's vaporizer and a lot of NyQuil-- the nasty green kind on accident. Worst thing on the planet. Anyway.
I was more or less incapacitated for a week. After the first few days, though, I didn't actually feel bad anymore. But I had this terrible cough that WOULD NOT go away for like two weeks after I was sick.

And somewhere in the middle of my illness, I turned 21. w00t for me...though almost everyone at my party was in some stage of sickness-recovery. So it was kind of sucky.

Bleh. Now, I told you all of that so I could tell you this: Thanks to visit to boyfriend AND being sick for like three weeks, I gained even more weight. For first two weeks I couldn't do much of anything and was relatively incapacitated by illness but the last week or so I felt fine! But could I go to the gym and work off all the cough syrup and vitamin-packed liquids (that also happen to be calorie-packed)? NO! Because if I exerted myself beyond a moderate walk, I would induce a seemingly endless coughing fit that would leave me exhausted when it finally subsided about five minutes later. AND THEN add on all the work I had to make up for missing off and on during that and you have a really unhappy camper. I.e. Me.

So even though I felt fine and could eat fine (and taste again!), I couldn't exercise, which means that I gained weight! Yippee for me. >.<
And all of this just has me a little bit peeved. I finally want to look really good. I've never exactly looked bad but I've never felt super confident about how I look. I haven't really had a lot of reason to. I want to finally be slender. And maybe if I can make it there myself, my boyfriend might be inspired.

(warning, misty-eyed monologue ahead)
I've never really been the kind to want to wear short-shorts-- mainly because the people I knew that wore them a lot were skank-face bitches, but it would be nice to be able to wear them and not look gross (to me). And though I've never really had a desire to wear a bikini, it would be so cool if I could have the option (if I wanted to). I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I could wear just about anything and it look good on me. It's not a vanity thing at all. I'm not in the least bit vain. It's just the sense of accomplishment and achievement-- that's what I want.

And a few months ago, I had made significant progress. I had lost just over 15 pounds. But I regained 10. It's just a little bit disheartening. Considering that as it stands today, I have at least 34-39 pounds to go-- for my initial goal of 140-145. Before New Years, I only had like 29, or less to make, 140.

I'm not exactly visibly upset. It's more all in my mind-- which is how it usually goes with me. And that is where I will defeat this slight despair. Besides, I gotta jump back on and keep going, eh?

I'll update again soon. I don't want this post to be super duper long, like it will be if I continue on with what I want to talk about. But next time: orange and pecan pancakes! (with pictures! syrup optional!)

Resolution Tweaked

Thanks to an impromptu visit to see my boyfriend in San Jose, I have gained a few pounds, and as such, I'm moving my fifteen pound goal to the 12th of March. If I make it before then, I'll try to go for 17 or 20.

I'm not expecting to make it beyond 15, but we'll see.

I had a feeling that this weight-gain would occur, but it's really hard for me to say no to really good dim sum. Especially when one lives in an area where the nearest dim sum place is over 30 miles away, instead of, say, two miles away-- like it is where he lives. If I were to do the trip over again, I still would have eaten too much. I'm a foodie; it is my poison. Alas.

And speaking of food, I remember my real reason for wanting to post today (the secondary effect being that maybe I'll get back into the swing of it)

My mom makes this very yummy couscous salad stuff, and I was wanting to share it with my theoretical readers. (Now that's an amusing thought)

It doesn't really have a name yet, but it is very very yummy. Also, the amount that my "recipe" makes is quite a bit, so if you're needing to make it smaller, then you'll have to down-size it yourself. But I am going to give the full, huge-recipe one first because it kind of is important.

Originally, it's supposed to be made with Toasted Pine Nut seasoned, Near-East couscous only...but after I had steamed my veggies, I realized that I had WAAAAY too many of them, and so I decided to double up somewhat on couscous, and it turned out very very yummy.

Below will be my recipe and instructions, which are actually really easy. This dish only takes like six to ten minutes to make and it's good hot, cold, or in between. My version of the recipe will be just written plainly, but the ingredients my mother uses are just a bit different, so I will include them as substitutions, written in []'s.

What you will need

• 1 box Toasted Pine Nut Near East couscous
• 1 box Original Near East couscous (or any measured out amount of plain couscous, for a smaller batch)
• Chicken stock-- enough to cook the original/plain couscous or both kinds, if you wish, whatever that amount may be. If you don't have or don't want to use stock, then water is fine. I chose to use the stock with the plain kind and used water with the pine nut kind.
  
• about 1 tsp Garlic powder (for the plain couscous)
  
• 1 can of dark red kidney beans [OR garbanzo beans/chick peas]
• 1 head of broccoli (less or more if you feel like it)
• 1/8 to 1/4 of a red onion (however much you want. I use about less than an 1/8th because I don't really like the crunch)
• Sundried tomato and basil crumbled feta cheese [OR any kind of regular feta]

The "dressing"

• 1 or 2 Tbs Red wine vinegar [OR white wine vinegar]
  
• 1 or 2 Tbs olive oil
• 1 tsp of sugar (can be adjusted)
  

Equipment:

• 1 or 2 medium-sized saucepans for the couscous and for water to steam the veggies
  
• 1 metal steamer-basket for the broccoli and beans
• 1 large bowl for the finished product
• various utensils
  

Now, when I made this just a couple days ago, I fully intended to follow mom's ingredients. Sadly, I didn't have chick peas like I thought I did, so I had to use red beans, but I find that I liked it much better that way. Especially what with the broccoli being such a rich green and then the deep wine-colored beans are just so pretty. If you want to go all washoku-style on it, you could probably add some carrots for orange/yellow and maybe mushrooms for another "black". But as it is, it almost completes the five-colors requirement.

Also, because I cooked a lot more broccoli, I was kind of forced to expand the recipe by including the Original couscous, and as such I made the couscous minutes apart, instead of together--which I liked better anyway.

So, in a medium-sized pot, follow the directions on the back of the Pine Nut box. While you're doing that, fill another pot with enough water to steam the broccoli and the beans. Chop up the broccoli and set inside your steam basket. I guess you could boil the veggies...but you can potentially lose nutrients that way, and since we're trying to make this good for you, steaming is probably the better option.

Set the basket into the pan with the water for steaming. If you've never done this before, make sure the water line in the pot isn't higher than the bottom of the basket. That kind of ruins things. Anyway. Put a lid on the steamer pot and wait for them to steam. Another thing, the beans may get done quicker, so you may want to wait just a few minutes to add them in with the broccoli. So, with that in mind, open up your can of kidney beans, drain the liquid as best as you can, then add the contents of the can to the basket as well. While you do the next bits below, don't forget about these veggies!

Now, back to the couscous. I guess you could make both batches of couscous together, but it may be harder to fluff afterward, so if you have the time, combining them later may be better. If you don't have the time, then together would be okay. I can't really remember the directions at the moment, but once it's done and you've let it rest, then fluffed it, dump it into your large bowl and start the next batch.

Again, follow the directions on the box, but with the plain kind, add in about 1 tsp of garlic powder for extra flavor, and use chicken stock instead of water. When it's done, rested, and then fluffed, dump it in with the pine nut couscous and mix it up.

Somewhere during the couscous bits above, your veggies will probably reach the perfect color and doneness that you want for good veggies. You're looking for peak color. When the broccoli is the bright green, it's probably done. You don't want them mushy and dull. With the beans, you really need to watch out for the skins. If they get too done, the skins will start to pull away. And you really don't want that.

Once the veggies are done, dump them in with the couscous. Now is when you can add however much chopped, red onion and feta you desire. Also, you're going to mix up the dressing. Again, this can vary. Because of my double batch, I used about 1 1/2 Tbs of both the red wine vinegar and the olive oil with about 1 and 1/2 tsp of sugar. Mix it all up, then carefully and slowly drizzle it over the couscous. It may be a good idea to drizzle a bit and then mix, then drizzle and mix, to allow for even distribution.

That's all. Serve it hot or cold, it's always delicious. In fact, I'm going to be making it for some friends come Monday.

I'll update again when I've worked off the dim sum/ramen/pho/wingstop and whatnot from my trip.

My Resolution; My Goal

Current Weight: 171

Well, I got busy again, obviously, but that changes today. I already went to the gym for about an hours' worth of a work-out, and it was refreshing. Classes are done with until the 17th and so I'm going to be using my time wisely.

Since I'm planning on spending 5 weeks in Japan this summer, my goal and resolution for this year is to reach 140 lbs by July-- before I leave for the Land of the Rising Sun.

I don't really think I'll have that much trouble hitting my goal. I eat well enough-- not much fat, and usually not that much sugar-- which is a bonus for me. I'm thankful that my problem is just based mainly on activity...or lack thereof.

Anyway. My short-term goal is to lose about 15 pounds by my birthday on the 15th of February. 15 by the 15th. Easy way to remember it. If I could do that, I'd be very close to what I was in the middle of my freshman year of college back in '05. And that would make me very very content with myself. I have a feeling it would also boost me to try for 135lbs as my final long-term goal.

But I'm realistic here. I would never stoop to starving myself or anything like that. I simply want to be healthy for my height and body type. That's what is most important. I want to be slender to my satisfaction-- which, it would be wise to note that my idea of slender is NOT the slender of today's media.

If I could get down to a size 8, I think I could be pretty well satisfied with myself...maybe even a 6. But I would never go for lower. My hips are too wide for that. And I'm just fine with that aspect of me. I love my body shape; I just want to be able to show it off the way I think I should. I want to be soft and feminine-- not so thin that I'm bony. That's not sexy in the least.

So these are my goals for this year.


I'll be posting more later, and that's a guarantee.

Zomg!

Current Weight: 171-173

Crap! I've been busy with my first real semester here, and I guess I got distracted/well, busy. But, I'm fixing that, and I should be back on track within a week.

Expect the updates to come shortly.

Unintentional Hiatus

Current Weight: ??? (I don't really know)

Blarg.

Okay, so I obviously haven't updated in awhile. I've been really busy the past twoish weeks, so I just decided that I'd hold off on posting until it all calmed down again.
Originally, that was going to be when I arrived back at my apartment, but since it's been quite a long time, I then thought it might be better to just drop a quick post.

It's been really hectic. I finished my portfolio and final projec, had our final critique, then I drove back to Missouri to stay with my parents for awhile, since they missed me. Mom and I took a very short trip to San Francisco, and we just got back on Monday (technically tuesday at 1am)-- I will post more on that sometime this weekend.

Though I will get to the bulk of the trip later, I wanted to say first that I got to meet two of my 'net buddies and it was lots and lots of fun. ^^

So Bleh

Current Weight:175ish

Thanks to Saturday night/Sunday early morning, I felt like total crap on Sunday and thus did pretty much nothing. I was in a relatively deep-seated despair until one of my net buddies talked to me about it and then another of them sent me the probably illegal-ish Harry Potter .pdf. I wouldn't have accepted it, but I have the book on order, and it just hadn't shipped till today, so...I really don't feel bad in the slightest about reading it.

One day. About eight hours and it was done. I have never taken longer than ten hours to read one of the books, so I was glad at that. And it really lightened my mind.
I still didn't get anything done, but my art class is just piling on the stress right now. I kind of want to set the teacher on fire at the moment.
Why?
I like him plenty, but our final project is just insane. We have the completely replicate two of an artists drawings (not painting, so basically, ink); that means to size, same materials, exact mediums. And then we have to push out two of our own in the same style and similar composition. All due on FRIDAY.

I haven't started this. Mainly because I am so overwhelmed by the idea of it.

I am completely and totally in fear of this project because I am a perfectionist. Perfectionist. And in case you missed it: PERFECTIONIST
This is pretty much the worst project I could ever be asked to do. Because I'll probably go through I don't even know how many attempts. Not only that, but if the medium isn't just ink, I'm screwed. I am not comfortable with ink-related mediums. I don't use them and thus have no idea how to control them. Graphite and oil paints (to a lesser degree) are my bitches, but pretty much everything else is lost on me. I'm bad with charcoal (probably my aversion to having really dirty hands) and actually hate it quite a lot. I love messing around with other paints, but I've never been taught, nor have I felt like wasting $100-some just to play around with really good pigments. Yeah...that would be what I call a WASTE.
Let me be clear about something, though: I am not averse to learning them and then mastering them, but I lock up if expected to just magically know how to use it with no guided practice whatsoever.

And here my teacher is in the e-mail he sent yesterday in clarification, talking about ink wash and all these other things I have heard of but have never once touched upon. Ever.

This makes me about ten-shades of nervous.

In other news, I really wanted to make pad see ew the other day (I think yesterday), but didn't quite get it right. I mean, I was improvising parts of it anyway 'cause I didn't have broccoli nor the right rice noodles...but what really took the cake was that in the ingredient list, whoever wrote it up failed to put dark soy sauce and light soy sauce next to each other. As it was, I completely missed the fact that I would need double the light as the dark and that made me a bit irked.
It still turned out tasty, but I made about six times too much...so I have a huge popcorn bowl full of a mysterious noodle dish in my fridge right now. And I've had it for four meals now (or will have had it for four meals after I finish writing this). I think I'll be able to finish it off tomorrow night.

In moments like these, I realize that I really need a wok...and probably a gas oven.

My friend and I talked about the whole meltdown that happened. I got to let out some of my doubts-- the ones I mentioned in entries below-- and he was kind enough to assure me that though my "bad example of real a man, immature male friend" may have been crude enough to place doubts in my mind, he did not feel that way about me. So, that was pretty much the turning point yesterday. That and reading the rest of Harry Potter.


Starting tomorrow, it's gonna be stress stress stress. But I have to get my butt to the gym. I haven't worked out in like four days. Bleh.

Tastes Like Chick(en)

To get the rancid taste of disappointment out of my mouth (hopefully in an attempt to minimize my stay in Doubtland), here's my post promoting Blogging Chicks.

I honestly don't think anything spectacular will come of me joining, but it's an amusement on my part. It makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm a part of something, ya know?
I mean, deep down, we all want to be a part of something. And since I'm a lonely baby blogger, maybe this way I can start making some kinds of friendships.

Anyway, it's nap time for me right now then grocery time then artwork time then workout time and then finally sleep time.

Have a great day.

Crippling Doubts

This post is going to be completely personal and totally unrelated to losing weight. As such, comments are discouraged and this post will probably disappear after awhile.

For the record, though my feelings are spawned by an encounter I had with a semi-friend, this post is not about him-- but rather the kinds of doubts we all face that are unearthed in the heat of an argument or tossed about in semi-jest.

I generally see myself as a strong individual. I pride myself on my ability to listen and have a balanced view-- I've spent years teaching myself to try and put aside judgments and learn to see with an unclouded eye. The totality of this practice is, of course, impossible as we are all subject to our own prejudices, fears, and opinions. I would like to think that I have been somewhat successful in staving off my first impressions of people in an attempt to either get to know them or let their actions dictate how I feel about them. The latter choice is also a tricky situation as people may act one way and then truly be another for whatever reason, so relying on one's actions as a determiner is not always a golden rule. As you can see, this is heavy, convoluted material-- and this isn't even the core of it.

As a habit, I also try to hold off questioning a person's actions as I am not them and will never fully know why they did something, unless I know they will speak the truth, but even when verbally explained the full reason behind an action or word can easily be lost or muddled. This is usually why I don't really get mad at people. It's not that I am patient (though I am), but rather that I know there isn't really a way to understand someone entirely all the time just based on words and actions. We all hide things, we all overlook details-- assuming they are obvious to everyone like they are to us. Most people, I think, would say they want to come across well. No one really wants to have something they say or do taken the wrong way-- since horrible things are oft spawned by such follies.

I didn't have many friends growing up-- I've always been super careful about the friends that I do have and if I must be parted from them (as in permanently), I feel deep sorrow for it. It's hard for me to understand how things can devolve so completely when I, at one point, felt so deeply about them as to let them in to see the real me. As such, when I hear very negative things about me coming from people I thought knew me, it wounds me so deeply.

Everyone is different, everyone an individual (no matter how much they want to be like someone else), and I hate the thought of getting it wrong about someone. I know it's inevitable. I realize that when people read something like this, they'll think they know what to say. No. It's not about my blindness to the fact that things will go wrong and people will get hurt and hurt me and that people assume things-- mostly incorrectly. I know that. It's insulting when people say such a base thing to someone when they're just trying to relieve the pressure inside-- thus is why comments are discouraged. Inevitably there will be someone who thinks I don't get it and will shove their stupid face into it and make it worse.

I was told tonight that I have come across (to some people) in a way that is very hurtful to hear. I, of course, never would have meant for it to be so, and part of me wants to know the full truth of it for this "revelation" was told to me in the words of anger. So, my logic center says to me not to trust it as angry words can either be the full truth or no truth at all. And if they were full truth, I would hope that the other people involved would have said something or at least partially acted in a way that supported this claim. Logically, both socially and emotionally, this is what I should believe. I should at least think more heavily upon it than just a fluttering in my brain. But. But I can't get past the hurt inside-- nor the doubts.

It's this kind of pain that makes me consider disconnecting entirely, curling up into a little ball, and going back to when I was about five years old-- before I had to deal with the pain of people. It's this kind of thing that makes me not trust people-- even those I want to trust.
It's this kind of hurt that makes me doubt my very character. I know I'm not these things, I say to myself, but then I think that since people see it, then maybe I am. And that absolutely crushes me inside-- to the point that those I really love could say whatever good things they wanted to about me and it wouldn't do anything at all. To the point that nothing could dislodge me from these doubts-- at least not entirely.

To make it worse, I recently met someone new...someone that I like quite a lot. I try to make things clear with people but now I am sitting here wondering what he thinks of me. Now I doubt how I am coming across to him. I don't want him to see me for what I'm not. I try not to come across like that-- but obviously I've failed at that quite spectacularly (at least in part) to some...so maybe I should be more careful. Then I think of how careful I am and I retreat further-- feeling less and less likely to trust the words of anyone...maybe not even myself. It's a horrible, painful mess...and I feel so alone in it all. I know I have God...and that's a comfort for sure...but when I sit here in this kind of deep heartache, I almost wish I weren't here. I'm young for sure, but I feel so old inside. I almost wish I were in Heaven-- it would be easier there...but my aversion to hurting people is so deep I'd rather not die in hopes to spare someone else. I sometimes wonder just how pathetic my desire to heal is to those I know. I mean, I think it's a good thing, but apparently it doesn't work like half the time so then I wonder if I should stop. See how cyclical this can be? I already know this about Doubt yet I can't shake his snagging grasp...not entirely, anyway...Thus why I am writing this and not sleeping.

My friend I fought with sometimes wonders what I do with my spare time. I know what I do is pretty lame to some. I read, I watch tv, I workout, I do "grandmotherly" things alone. Almost always alone. I don't mind being by myself or with people, but with all this hurt caused by those I care for is it any wonder why I'm hesitant to hang out with people? Is it at all hard to understand why I won't invite someone over until I have a firm belief that they wouldn't say no and that they would actually want to come?

I don't like parties or those kinds of people. I guess part of the heart of it would be that I am afraid of hurt. I was hurt quite badly when I was little, by my peers. Everyone was, I realize that. I also know that that's why I can't remember much of my younger years-- elementary school is pretty much nonexistent in my head as are most of middle school...and now large chunks of high school, too. Most of my friends have a lot of memories of those times-- or so it seems-- but I really don't. I know that when I was little I wanted to make a list of all the things I saw and hated in people so that if I had children, I could share it with them and maybe spare them some of what I went through. I wasn't physically hurt by anyone...no, it was based in alienation, instead. And I feel that the aftereffects of that time have had a resounding effect on me now. I think the only people I really, truly trust in this world are my immediate family members and my grandparents.

Part of me really wants to believe that my friends think wonderful things about me sometimes-- that they see something in me worth loving. Part of me really wonders if they have some kind of ulterior motive or maybe they just kept me around as some kind of joke. It's sad to think that the latter sentence actually has some solid bearing or at least it once did when I was younger.

I know I have really good qualities. I also know there are things about me people don't like and some of those things are things that I don't like about myself. Other things are things I enjoy about myself, so they can just fuck off about those...but there are times when I look at situations that have happened and I wonder how they got me so wrong and I the same. Especially those that have known me for a long time...
The specific people in question here don't know me very well...but I did have a very high opinion of a couple of them and to have that firm belief shattered so fully and thrown back in my face hurts so freaking bad. I haven't hurt this bad in a long time, actually...and I hate the thought of how it happened to come about.

What sucks the most about, though, is the fact that though I may be able to shut out the incident and act fine, the doubts are still going to be there. Especially since I have this somewhat developing relationship that I do not want to mess up.

So the next strain of thought would be "Well, stop caring about it and just be you". This is part of me and the times when I do break out and be myself and think things are going smoothly, this is what happens. At least when I am cautious, I have some kind of forewarning. But I felt comfortable around these people. I felt I could open up a little bit and drop my walls a bit. And this is what happened. I know I should learn from it and move on-- but what I am learning from it is that I shouldn't be like that. I know I need to watch it or else I'll clam up completely, but it's so hard to resist the call of withdrawing when this kind of thing slaps you in the face when you least expect it. This kind of thing just reinforces my self-teaching of don't be so sure, don't assume, don't judge because you never know. And I don't ever know. I have strong percentages, but not solid trust in anybody.

And I wish I did.

My mantra is honesty...mainly because I don't want to put someone through this kind of thing when I have the power to do so. So I stay honest (with tact and sometime subtlety) because that is what I would want in return.

I think the worst thing about this kind of hurt is that during and afterwards, I feel so awkward. The nature of Doubt is awkwardness and insecurity... and I have both in full right now. I feel awkward about my opinion of myself...and how I carry myself. I'm insecure about how I appear to be to those I actually care for. But the worst of the worst is not feeling comfortable enough to talk to anyone about it. We've all felt something akin to this... and there are some people I know who would read this or upon hearing this would jump on me with like eight different "You're not the only one"s, which is so disrespectful. That just shuts me up even more. Then the pressure builds and I'm left once again with doubt feeding on more doubt.
It's better to be able to speak about it with someone, but it's hard to do so when you are suffering from it at it's height.

I would really love to talk to my new interest about it, but I'm not sure what I'd say and in light of this development, I don't think I could trust him or myself enough to do so. I would like to think he'd understand and be empathetic and thus be someone worth sharing it with, but there is a chance he'd turn about and hand me another slap. I would like to think the percentage of that happening is pretty low, but it's not nonexistent enough for me to bother opening up to him.

Well, the sun is now fully up and I am exhausted. Looks like I'm going to be missing out on God's day today. I'll go find an evening service to attend later, as I haven't really gone to bed yet. I think I slept from 12:30-2:30ish a.m. and then have been up since. Such an unpleasant night.

A Surprise Recipe of Sorts

Current Weight: 174 (booya)

Okay, so I have a tendency to just throw things into a pot and eat them. For the most part, I am awesome at pulling this off looking somewhat professional about it. I love that about cooking.
And yesterday, I made something really good and I loves it.
Thus, I am going to share it in a semi-formal recipe format. The only difference being that there aren't going to be any actual measurements involved. It's all entirely customizable.

Currently, my new creation is called Samantha's Unexpectedly Delicious Bran Mash.
Sounds yummy and indistinguishable, right? Well, it is. ^^ A little bit of backstory: My mom is really big into oatmeal. I'm kinda sorta not really into oatmeal. I mean, I like it but I don't love it. It never sticks with me like real cereal does and I really can't add enough to it to make it tastefully pleasurable on a level that makes it worth eating. Usually we just throw some brown sugar in it with some milk. It's okay, but not enough punch for me. I've made a peach topping to go in it, an apple cinnamon concoction to go in it, I've mixed all sorts of things and still the oatmeal doesn't pop right. I'm a Bran flake girl. So, then I got an idea. Make a bran-type of "oatmeal". So, I did. And it's sooooo good.

Bran Mash
You will need the following to create the "original" Bran Mash made awesome by me (ingredients first, followed by equipment):

• A bowl of bran flakes-- no raisins, unless, that is you like that kind of thing. You may need to get an off-brand flake. I prefer the generic Wal-Mart one because the flakes have more body to them and aren't as thin as the Kellogg's All-Bran is.
• Skim or low-fat milk-- I am on a "diet" here. I will say it would probably be creamier with a higher fat count, but skim works just fine in this instance (you just need the moisture anyway)
• Ground cinnamon (fresh or the cheaper but just as good ground kind)
• Ground cloves (same as above)
• Pumpkin or Apple butter (this is optional and just reinforces the spices above)
• A whole peach-- Doesn't matter what kind. Which ever you prefer. Actually, any fruit will do for this recipe, but this is what I've had around, so this is the original fruit for it. I will eventually play around with banana, apple, strawberry, and other fruit mash, then post edited recipes accordingly.
• A couple pinches of sugar
• A very small pinch of salt
  
• A ziploc bag of some type
• A medium-sized, shallow sauce pan
• Spoon or cooking spatula with a silicon head (gentler than a spoon)
  

Okay, once you have assembled these ingredients, you can begin making this tasty creation.

1. You must first take your bowl of bran flakes (however much you want for one serving-- for this recipe, I would use about a cup full) and dump it into the ziploc bag. Seal it and then just kind of smash the flakes a bit. If you bought a brand of flakes that has thinner flakes, you can skip this. This is just to make it more uniform. If you want bigger flakes, then smash accordingly or not at all. Up to you. Once you have them to the level of uniformity you desire, set them aside.
   
2. Next, take your peach (or whatever fruit you have selected), clean it, skin it, and cut it up into smallish chunks or slices-- to cut down on clean up, use the recently emptied bran bowl to store the peaches until needed. The size of the peach bits is up to you. I've done a mix-- if you want to peach to be in every bite and thus not so obvious, you could mash it up a bit. Doesn't matter. Sprinkle just a little bit of sugar on the slices and set aside. [You can do this step ahead of time and refrigerate-- that way the sugar will draw out more juice. Or if you don't want all the juice, ignore the sugar at this step]
   
3. Take the sauce pan and put it over lowish heat. Anywhere between 2 and 4 on a regular oven. Now you want to pour in enough skim milk to cover the bottom. It should only be about 1/4 of a cup or thereabouts. If you don't have much peach juice, you may want to put in a little more milk.
   
4. While the milk is warming, toss in a few dashes of cinnamon and cloves each. Not too much, just enough to see the spices floating here and there in the milk. Stir slowly with a spoon or cooking spatula.
5. After a few minutes, the milk should be pretty warm, at this point, if you wish, you could plop in about a spoonful of pumpkin butter (I recommend this, as it helps emphasize the spice, but also adds another taste to the milk, but this is optional). Stirring this into the milk is easier to accomplish with a spatula. The milk should turn a kind of nut color once it is fully incorporated. At this point, you may sprinkle in a little bit of sugar AND a tiny dash of salt.
   
6. I usually let the flavors meld a bit at this stage, before I go any farther. The taste of the milk shouldn't be overpoweringly full of spice or anything-- more of a mellow mix. The salt and sugar just kind of help bring out the the other flavors.
7. After everything is blended together, it's time to dump in the bruised bran flakes. Pour them into the pan and stir until all the flakes/flake bits have been coated. Keep stirring slowly as they break down. This is essential because if you add the peaches too soon, the juice will mix with the milk and cause it to separate out like acids do to milk, so make sure that the mixture in the pan looks more like generic hot cereal in texture before adding the peaches.
8. It should only take a few minutes for the flakes to combine with the flavored milk. At that point, you should add the peaches and turn the heat up just a bit, so they can cook down as well. This stage can vary in time depending on what you want out of it. I, personally, want the peaches to be hot and thus will let them cook for a bit.
9. When you think it's done to your liking, pour it into a bowl and enjoy.

And that's my Bran Mash recipe. I've had it about three times in the past four days. It's really freaking good, and I can't wait to try it with different fruits. I'm really leaning towards a blackberry mash with maybe some honey or something.

Anyway, try it out and experiment to your heart's content. I promise you, it's good.

I'm always walking with you But I look and you're not there

Okay, so this has nothing to do with my journal's intent, but I love this song and felt like plastering the lyrics all up on my blog. ^^

The lyrics are just so aching to me. If you can find the Liz Durrett version, you should listen to it. I like Cat's but hers just has a very solemn feel to it-- one you don't really notice entirely until about halfway through the second verse.

I love this song, but I think I need to not listen to it. It'll make me float all sad-like and I'll start remembering bittersweet memories better left unearthed.

How Can I Tell You

( Cat Stevens Cover )

How can I tell you
That I love you, I love you
But I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that Im always thinking of you
That I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you
But my words just blow away
Just blow away
It always ends up to one thing, honey
And I can't think of right words to say

Wherever I am, I'm always walking with you
I'm always walking with you
But I look and you're not there
Whoever I'm with
I'm always talking to you
I'm always talking to you
And I'm sad that you can't hear
Sad that you can't hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey
When I look and you're not there

I need to know you
Need to feel my arms around you
Feel my arms around you
Like a sea around a shore
And each night and day I pray
In hope that I might find you
In hope that I might find you
Because hearts can do no more
It always ends up to one thing honey
Still I kneel upon the floor

How can I tell you that I love you
I love you but I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you
It always ends up to one thing honey
And I can't think of right words to say