Crippling Doubts

This post is going to be completely personal and totally unrelated to losing weight. As such, comments are discouraged and this post will probably disappear after awhile.

For the record, though my feelings are spawned by an encounter I had with a semi-friend, this post is not about him-- but rather the kinds of doubts we all face that are unearthed in the heat of an argument or tossed about in semi-jest.

I generally see myself as a strong individual. I pride myself on my ability to listen and have a balanced view-- I've spent years teaching myself to try and put aside judgments and learn to see with an unclouded eye. The totality of this practice is, of course, impossible as we are all subject to our own prejudices, fears, and opinions. I would like to think that I have been somewhat successful in staving off my first impressions of people in an attempt to either get to know them or let their actions dictate how I feel about them. The latter choice is also a tricky situation as people may act one way and then truly be another for whatever reason, so relying on one's actions as a determiner is not always a golden rule. As you can see, this is heavy, convoluted material-- and this isn't even the core of it.

As a habit, I also try to hold off questioning a person's actions as I am not them and will never fully know why they did something, unless I know they will speak the truth, but even when verbally explained the full reason behind an action or word can easily be lost or muddled. This is usually why I don't really get mad at people. It's not that I am patient (though I am), but rather that I know there isn't really a way to understand someone entirely all the time just based on words and actions. We all hide things, we all overlook details-- assuming they are obvious to everyone like they are to us. Most people, I think, would say they want to come across well. No one really wants to have something they say or do taken the wrong way-- since horrible things are oft spawned by such follies.

I didn't have many friends growing up-- I've always been super careful about the friends that I do have and if I must be parted from them (as in permanently), I feel deep sorrow for it. It's hard for me to understand how things can devolve so completely when I, at one point, felt so deeply about them as to let them in to see the real me. As such, when I hear very negative things about me coming from people I thought knew me, it wounds me so deeply.

Everyone is different, everyone an individual (no matter how much they want to be like someone else), and I hate the thought of getting it wrong about someone. I know it's inevitable. I realize that when people read something like this, they'll think they know what to say. No. It's not about my blindness to the fact that things will go wrong and people will get hurt and hurt me and that people assume things-- mostly incorrectly. I know that. It's insulting when people say such a base thing to someone when they're just trying to relieve the pressure inside-- thus is why comments are discouraged. Inevitably there will be someone who thinks I don't get it and will shove their stupid face into it and make it worse.

I was told tonight that I have come across (to some people) in a way that is very hurtful to hear. I, of course, never would have meant for it to be so, and part of me wants to know the full truth of it for this "revelation" was told to me in the words of anger. So, my logic center says to me not to trust it as angry words can either be the full truth or no truth at all. And if they were full truth, I would hope that the other people involved would have said something or at least partially acted in a way that supported this claim. Logically, both socially and emotionally, this is what I should believe. I should at least think more heavily upon it than just a fluttering in my brain. But. But I can't get past the hurt inside-- nor the doubts.

It's this kind of pain that makes me consider disconnecting entirely, curling up into a little ball, and going back to when I was about five years old-- before I had to deal with the pain of people. It's this kind of thing that makes me not trust people-- even those I want to trust.
It's this kind of hurt that makes me doubt my very character. I know I'm not these things, I say to myself, but then I think that since people see it, then maybe I am. And that absolutely crushes me inside-- to the point that those I really love could say whatever good things they wanted to about me and it wouldn't do anything at all. To the point that nothing could dislodge me from these doubts-- at least not entirely.

To make it worse, I recently met someone new...someone that I like quite a lot. I try to make things clear with people but now I am sitting here wondering what he thinks of me. Now I doubt how I am coming across to him. I don't want him to see me for what I'm not. I try not to come across like that-- but obviously I've failed at that quite spectacularly (at least in part) to some...so maybe I should be more careful. Then I think of how careful I am and I retreat further-- feeling less and less likely to trust the words of anyone...maybe not even myself. It's a horrible, painful mess...and I feel so alone in it all. I know I have God...and that's a comfort for sure...but when I sit here in this kind of deep heartache, I almost wish I weren't here. I'm young for sure, but I feel so old inside. I almost wish I were in Heaven-- it would be easier there...but my aversion to hurting people is so deep I'd rather not die in hopes to spare someone else. I sometimes wonder just how pathetic my desire to heal is to those I know. I mean, I think it's a good thing, but apparently it doesn't work like half the time so then I wonder if I should stop. See how cyclical this can be? I already know this about Doubt yet I can't shake his snagging grasp...not entirely, anyway...Thus why I am writing this and not sleeping.

My friend I fought with sometimes wonders what I do with my spare time. I know what I do is pretty lame to some. I read, I watch tv, I workout, I do "grandmotherly" things alone. Almost always alone. I don't mind being by myself or with people, but with all this hurt caused by those I care for is it any wonder why I'm hesitant to hang out with people? Is it at all hard to understand why I won't invite someone over until I have a firm belief that they wouldn't say no and that they would actually want to come?

I don't like parties or those kinds of people. I guess part of the heart of it would be that I am afraid of hurt. I was hurt quite badly when I was little, by my peers. Everyone was, I realize that. I also know that that's why I can't remember much of my younger years-- elementary school is pretty much nonexistent in my head as are most of middle school...and now large chunks of high school, too. Most of my friends have a lot of memories of those times-- or so it seems-- but I really don't. I know that when I was little I wanted to make a list of all the things I saw and hated in people so that if I had children, I could share it with them and maybe spare them some of what I went through. I wasn't physically hurt by anyone...no, it was based in alienation, instead. And I feel that the aftereffects of that time have had a resounding effect on me now. I think the only people I really, truly trust in this world are my immediate family members and my grandparents.

Part of me really wants to believe that my friends think wonderful things about me sometimes-- that they see something in me worth loving. Part of me really wonders if they have some kind of ulterior motive or maybe they just kept me around as some kind of joke. It's sad to think that the latter sentence actually has some solid bearing or at least it once did when I was younger.

I know I have really good qualities. I also know there are things about me people don't like and some of those things are things that I don't like about myself. Other things are things I enjoy about myself, so they can just fuck off about those...but there are times when I look at situations that have happened and I wonder how they got me so wrong and I the same. Especially those that have known me for a long time...
The specific people in question here don't know me very well...but I did have a very high opinion of a couple of them and to have that firm belief shattered so fully and thrown back in my face hurts so freaking bad. I haven't hurt this bad in a long time, actually...and I hate the thought of how it happened to come about.

What sucks the most about, though, is the fact that though I may be able to shut out the incident and act fine, the doubts are still going to be there. Especially since I have this somewhat developing relationship that I do not want to mess up.

So the next strain of thought would be "Well, stop caring about it and just be you". This is part of me and the times when I do break out and be myself and think things are going smoothly, this is what happens. At least when I am cautious, I have some kind of forewarning. But I felt comfortable around these people. I felt I could open up a little bit and drop my walls a bit. And this is what happened. I know I should learn from it and move on-- but what I am learning from it is that I shouldn't be like that. I know I need to watch it or else I'll clam up completely, but it's so hard to resist the call of withdrawing when this kind of thing slaps you in the face when you least expect it. This kind of thing just reinforces my self-teaching of don't be so sure, don't assume, don't judge because you never know. And I don't ever know. I have strong percentages, but not solid trust in anybody.

And I wish I did.

My mantra is honesty...mainly because I don't want to put someone through this kind of thing when I have the power to do so. So I stay honest (with tact and sometime subtlety) because that is what I would want in return.

I think the worst thing about this kind of hurt is that during and afterwards, I feel so awkward. The nature of Doubt is awkwardness and insecurity... and I have both in full right now. I feel awkward about my opinion of myself...and how I carry myself. I'm insecure about how I appear to be to those I actually care for. But the worst of the worst is not feeling comfortable enough to talk to anyone about it. We've all felt something akin to this... and there are some people I know who would read this or upon hearing this would jump on me with like eight different "You're not the only one"s, which is so disrespectful. That just shuts me up even more. Then the pressure builds and I'm left once again with doubt feeding on more doubt.
It's better to be able to speak about it with someone, but it's hard to do so when you are suffering from it at it's height.

I would really love to talk to my new interest about it, but I'm not sure what I'd say and in light of this development, I don't think I could trust him or myself enough to do so. I would like to think he'd understand and be empathetic and thus be someone worth sharing it with, but there is a chance he'd turn about and hand me another slap. I would like to think the percentage of that happening is pretty low, but it's not nonexistent enough for me to bother opening up to him.

Well, the sun is now fully up and I am exhausted. Looks like I'm going to be missing out on God's day today. I'll go find an evening service to attend later, as I haven't really gone to bed yet. I think I slept from 12:30-2:30ish a.m. and then have been up since. Such an unpleasant night.